Kendall Toole was introduced as “a top fitness instructor, community builder, mental-health advocate, content creator, and lifestyle entrepreneur on a purpose-driven mission to empower others.”
But Meghan Speranzo’s introduction neglected to mention that before she achieved her level of fame, Toole was living alone in a small studio apartment in New York City during COVID, struggling with her mental health.
“I said, we’re all dealing with it, I’m dealing with it too,” Toole said Wednesday during the Global Gaming Expo education session, “Breaking the Stigma: An Honest Dialogue on Mental Health.” “And I have anxiety and depression. And then I decided to say that live and post it.”
Toole, a former Peloton instructor who amassed 1.3 million followers on social media, has leveraged her standing to advocate for mental-health awareness.
Speranzo, Global Gaming Women’s Sip & Social Chair, admitted during her introduction that she, too, has dealt with mental-health issues. “We approached (the American Gaming Association) about a year ago with this idea and they took a chance on us to foster a dynamic conversation that we feel is just far too important to ignore.”
Toole said that by posting online and talking about her vulnerabilities, it allowed her to reveal her true self that she couldn’t in other videos.
“I was struggling and I had struggled,” Toole said. “I’d been through very difficult mental chapters at 11 with OCD. And I was close to taking my own life my senior year of college. And I’d never told the world that. Yet here I am on a platform telling people to honor themselves, to take care of themselves, to do all these wonderful things. I could be transparent.”
Toole received feedback – notably from her grandparents and parents – wondering if she was “nuts” by talking about her most personal thoughts online. But by letting herself be open, it opened the door to have more conversations, to be honest with others and herself, whereas before she’d felt like a fraud.
“All of a sudden, people were like, wait, I deal with this too,” Toole said. “And then it was huge sigh of relief, because I wasn’t alone. I realized I was connected to the perception of myself. I was hiding behind it, because I could protect myself if I had that mask on, if I let the world see what I thought they wanted me to be.”
Toole realized that not every day was going to be great, that the images of people relayed on social media weren’t indicative of the real world.
Toole announced Wednesday she is starting her own business, NKO Club, which will promote wellness and mental-health initiatives. It was a good day for her, appearing at G2E.
But she’s cognizant that there will be days where the high of being in front of people will not be there.
“A lot of us say I’m fine, because I’m fine means I don’t want to go there right now,” Toole said. “I put that boundary up. I put that wall up it. It might be too hard for you to carry on.
“And if you open up, we’re all afraid of what’s going to come tumbling out, because we’ve kept that part locked away for the quiet moments when we’re at home alone or we’re crying in the shower or things are really imploding. But nobody, nobody, sees me, so I’m safe to feel.”
Toole added she names the negative voice in her head – hers is Tina – and addresses it.
“Sometimes Tina needs to be put in time out and in the back seat and say no, I’m driving, I’m taking control,” Toole said. “And sometimes Tina wants to take the wheel and that’s OK. It’s being a little bit more open and honest about what you’re going through.”